Panic

Panic.

It seeps into your body, into your brain, at 3:18 in the morning on the day after what was supposed to be a great day that turned into an (un)professional nightmare. For me, it’s most likely to happen when I feel untethered. Drifting aimlessly. Scared about the uncertainty that is my future in that moment, afraid to do, afraid to be, and also afraid not to be. That’s where I am right now. This is number 4 – the 4th time that this terrible feeling has overwhelmed me to this magnitude. Is it weird that I can number these occasions? That I know them so well? Your muscles all clench, and you become attuned to every feeling in your body, waiting for the bottom to drop out, and believing that this body you live in is going to turn on you just as your mind did moments ago. Reason leaves you, but under the surface, in the deepest parts of your soul, you know you have to fight through the riptide of all your thoughts turned against you, to keep going, keep swimming. To write so you can stave off the panic. To pray that you can fall asleep soon and wake again to a better tomorrow where the sun is shining and you don’t feel so alone with just your skewed thoughts.

This is the first time I’ve written my way through a panic attack, but now more than ever I feel it needs to be shared, to be felt. I can’t let it control me. I’ve had so many intentions to writing about what anxiety feels like for me – to share this darkest thing that so many people deal with, so that maybe it can give someone else hope and courage, but when it’s not happening you just want to lock those things away, so as not to experience it again, yet here I am… 3:53 AM. I’m drifting. I’m panicking about my life and my future. I’m questioning my capability. I’m fighting the urge to make inappropriate jokes at inopportune moments (Goodbye, cruel world..) because deflecting with humor is how I cope with discomfort. I repeat mantras to myself… You’re okay. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to be happy again. You are more than what they think of you. You’re going to see the sunrise, see Christmas next week, see something amazing in the next year that puts this terrible moment in its place, like into the eighth circle of hell with all the other fraudulent entities – yes, I googled Dante’s circles of hell so I could place this feeling specifically and correctly. Then, there it is, a flicker of hope that the panic is staving, and over something so inane as googling Dante and trying to be witty when you’re feeling completely batshit and unhinged.

4:15 AM. Maybe I can sleep now. I’m going to leave this here. This is me – raw and authentic and exhausted. I’m not alone. I’m not finished, and neither are you.

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Explore || Newburgh, Indiana

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Historic Downtown Newburgh

Newburgh, Indiana is a quaint little river town located east of Evansville and along the Ohio River. I’d been once before a few years ago and it had a few antique stores and some beautiful historic homes, but on Saturday I was surprised to find a vibrant little community with antiques, restaurants, and shops that are really worth checking out. The town was also having its Christmas festival which gave me the shot of Christmas spirit I was in desperate need of finding!

Here are a few of the noteworthy places that I checked out for myself:

Stores:

  • Feather Your Nest – 116 State Street  – I think this is part of a group of 3 stores located within a block of one another, but this is a great vintage/consignment store. I scored a solid wood dresser for $45 and a brand new audiobook set of Girl on a Train for $1! You never know what treasures you will find and the prices are unreal.
  • Country Gentleman Antiques – 1 W. Jennings Street – A cute little antique store with a variety of stock. I was able to score some vintage art prints.
  • Flutter – 100 State Street   – This is what I call a “fashion blogger” type store. They have cute, trendy clothes and accessories.
  • Amerie 10 W Jennings Street – This was my favorite store! A new addition to Newburgh, Amerie sells “clothes with a positive purpose,”this socially-conscious store has items from many different companies like Krochet Kids, Int.

Food:

  • Cafe Arazu17 W. Jennings Street – Food is basically my love language, and this unexpected, cool little Mediterranean restaurant equaled love. I had the Hummus Platter and the Spinach Artichoke Wrap (a spin on Spanakopita), and it was incredible!

 

There were many other shops and restaurants worth checking out, that I just didn’t have time to get to and this little gem on the banks of the Ohio is worth spending a day exploring!

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Cool for the Summer, Hot Mess for the Fall

I thought that eliminating the stresses of my first year of teaching would give me more free time to pursue creative outlets like this blog and photography… HA! This year is worse than last – I just don’t have the energy to care as much.

I spend my days teaching math and science to 75 10-year old angels (sarcasm) who, because of the state of their education system, are so lost in curriculum that is way over their heads that, by the time I get home at night (whenever that may be), I can’t even see straight and words just don’t work… that’s another story for another day.

All that to say, on the week of my 30th birthday, I’m looking ahead to making some big life changes that will allow me to get back to the things that I love. Don’t give up on me yet here at L & W. I have some posts coming and my Christmas break is 2 weeks away!

Eri